


won't you tell me you'll never more roam

by timeladyleo



Series: the knapp-shappey-shipwrights have a horrible christmas! [8]
Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:28:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28169259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeladyleo/pseuds/timeladyleo
Summary: Arthur’s gaze flitted about the room, avoiding looking at Herc at all. Noting every single difference between what it looked like now, and what it should have been. The absence of Herc’s things.
Relationships: Arthur Shappey & Herc Shipwright
Series: the knapp-shappey-shipwrights have a horrible christmas! [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2039773
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	won't you tell me you'll never more roam

**Author's Note:**

> this song is 'please come home for christmas'!

“Have you got everything?” Herc turns to see Arthur lingering in the bedroom doorway, watching his every move like a hawk. Herc tries not to notice how quiet Arthur’s voice is, how unusual it is that he hadn’t heard Arthur approach.

He zips up the bag and plasters on one of his famously disarming smiles. “I think so, yes.”

They both know it’s hollow. He tries again to catch Arthur’s eye, to send him some psychic messages to tell him subliminally, _it’s okay_ , but Arthur’s gaze flits about the room, avoiding looking at Herc at all. Noting every single difference between what it looks like now, and what it should have been. The absence of Herc’s things.

“Do you have to go?”

If he hadn’t already felt guilty, he does now. Did he have to go? In that moment, with Arthur’s eyes on him, boring into him, the answer is no – he doesn’t have to. He doesn’t want to. He just wants to watch Arthur smile.

But Carolyn hasn’t been home in three days, and he can’t keep doing this. He can’t keep waiting for her if she isn’t willing to try. He's tired of not knowing if she's coming back.

Herc tries his hardest to smile reassuringly, to catch Arthur’s eye to say _it’s okay_. That he’ll be back. “I just need some space,” he says, but Arthur barely reacts. Herc grips his bag, fingers shuffling over the handles as he tries to figure out exactly what to say to fix this. “I’m sorry, Arthur.”

Arthur glances at him, then away again, like some panicked animal waiting for the axe to drop. It hasn’t escaped Herc how he and Carolyn both jump if a door slams too hard. A plate drops. Herc tries his very best to set everything down gently, to never raise his voice – he’s not someone who shouts, generally. He’s not an easy man to make angry.

All he really wants is for his love to solve all the problems Carolyn and Arthur have, to be enough for them to feel like they can move on from whatever anchors them to the past. It’s come out in drips, Gordon Shappey and his fists. That makes Herc angry. He’s had nightmares of people hurting Arthur, woken up in a cold sweat from them.

He wishes he could be enough.

“You know I love you right?” That makes Arthur look him in the face, staring directly at the bridge of his nose, his expression a carbon copy of Carolyn's own measured neutrality. Herc pushes on, “And Carolyn too, I swear I do. I love you both so much, which is why I need to take some time out. You know it’s nothing to do with you, right? I’ll always be here for you if you need me.”

“It’s okay, Herc. You don’t have to lie to me. I’m not five.”

Distantly, in his imagination, Herc hears a plate fall to the floor. He’s breaking something here, shattering something that may or may not be fixable. But Carolyn hasn’t been home in three days. _Don’t be here when I get back_.

When he decides that she misses him, he’ll come back on his hands and knees, grovelling. Unquestionably, he’ll be back. The second she asks, the second she calls and demands an apology, he'll be there to repent. Without question, he'll abase himself for her. He just needs her to understand that she can’t keep pushing forever. This can’t be a one way thing forever.

He just wishes it didn’t have to catch Arthur in the crossfire.

He wants to sit back on the bed, wants to beckon Arthur over and make him laugh, to listen to whatever ramble is trapped inside his head. It’s endearing, and Herc likes to try to give him the time of day. So many people don’t. But doing that means he might not go. _Don’t be here when I get back_. He knows he has to go, knows he doesn't want to go. 

“It’s not a lie, Arthur. I care about you very much.”

Arthur blinks at him, then turns and leaves without a word. It’s one of the most chilling things Herc has ever seen him do. Anyone who thinks that Arthur isn’t at all similar to Carolyn has not been paying enough attention.

Herc hears him go down the stairs, hears the kettle switch on and the dog crash into a cupboard. That ridiculous creature. Herc had never fancied himself a dog person before. He’d never fancied himself a dad, either, yet here he is.

He looks around the room again, looking for traces of himself that he might have forgotten. He isn’t taking everything, his clothes still in the wardrobe. Razor in the cupboard. But he’s moved all his tit-tat from the surfaces, taken all his vegetarian desserts that Carolyn pretends not to like. He’s removed himself from the surface of their lives, like a bad tattoo.

Isn’t that the warning everyone always gets with tattoos, be careful because they’re permanent? People who say that clearly don’t know that nothing is. Nothing lasts forever.

Herc takes a deep breath and steels himself. Walks down the stairs and hovers outside the kitchen. Sees flashes of Arthur pottering about, busying himself. If he were a better man, Herc would forget this plan, drop his bag and go to Arthur now. Apologise properly. Say no, he isn't leaving and that he's so sorry, that he wants to stay so badly, that he doesn't want to hurt them.

Call Carolyn and grovel to her too.

 _Don’t be here when I get back_. He knows he has to go. Because he loves them, but he can't keep being her punching bag. 

He pokes his head through the door. Either Arthur hasn’t noticed him or is ignoring him on purpose. Herc can’t tell. “Arthur?” he says, and forgetting himself, Arthur turns to him and beams. Somehow that hurts more, but it’s the face that Herc wants to remember. The smile.

And then Carolyn returns, and Arthur straightens his back and hardens his face. “Yes?”

Herc had thought that he understood how words could cut, porcelain shards. He’d thought that he knew how to handle the emotional fallout of relationships. None of them have ever felt like this though. Breaking glass.

“I’m going now. I’ll be back soon. Will you call me when Carolyn gets home?”

Arthur nods, his mouth wobbling as if he wants to say something. As if he wants to cry. “I love you, Arthur,” he says again.

“Bye,” is all Arthur says to him, turning away. Herc doesn’t hang around to deal with that fallout. He never was the kind of person to deal with the aftermath.

He shuts the door quietly as he goes.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr, [sircarolyn](http://sircarolyn.tumblr.com/).


End file.
